Bisexual and Dating Same Sex

I gotta own something. Recently, I’ve been feeling – well – weird towards bisexuals who are in opposite sex relationships.

And, you know, I get it. I was in nearly exclusively opposite sex relationships for, like, 10 years. People questioned my bisexuality. It sucked. I felt invisible, embarrassed, not queer enough, etc.

In fact, there’s a whole list of things on this page if you want to go down that mental path:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyford/32-bisexual-women-discuss-their-longterm-relationships-with

And, I in no way want to invalidate the pain of these experiences. Again, I have been there, and I totally get it.

But, something also changed substantially when I started dating a woman. For me, dating a woman is different – very different – from dating a man. I had hooked up with women, had casually dated women, had one night stands with women (not that many, unfortunately,) had casual sex with women (not that often, unfortunately,) and had ongoing relationships with women while I was also involved with men.

All that was totally different from falling in love with a woman, and meeting someone who I could really see spending my life with.

To put it succinctly, the heterosexual fantasy vanished.

On some level, whenever I was dating men, in the back of my mind I expected “we’ll probably get married,” “we’ll probably have kids,” etc. And, there was a deep need at the bottom of this fantasy, a need that had nothing to do with kids and marriage, and everything to do with my own ego.

Sometimes, my girlfriend and I talk about having children. I told her that if she had a child, I could love it like my own, and she said she felt the same about any children I might have. What about an adopted child, we wondered, could we love that like our own? Again, we thought we could. But, we couldn’t take any of it for granted – there is no magical script that our lives can follow.

And, our love can’t stay insular the same way a straight couple’s love can. If we don’t have children, we will need to love other people instead of our children, and if we *do* have children, they will have roots from outside our family somewhere along the line, and fully loving them will be loving where they came from. For us, to be closed only to each other will never work.

Truthfully, I am grateful for it because I would never want my love to be constrained only to my own family, but this type of open love is not something you see in romance novels. It’s something you have to figure out, and it’s something I didn’t figure out in my straight relationships. Some straight people get there, but many of them don’t, and for the same reason many bisexuals in opposite sex relationships don’t get there either.

I remember dating on OK Cupid, and a woman contacted me because she and her husband were looking for a bisexual woman to “pull into their marriage.” (There’s a term for this in the poly community, it’s called “unicorn hunting“.) I did not like her request because it reinforced the “straight” couple tendency to pull all their love inward and to stay closed. And sure, some gay couples mimic this closed-ness as much as they can – perhaps lesbian couples find anonymous sperm donors, or whatever – but at some point a gay couple *has* to turn to the outside for help, either in starting their family, or in getting support as they age if they have no family. And, I think this need for help is both humbling and humanizing. Many straight couples do as well, of course, but not all.

And, it’s this closed-ness, this objectifying-ness that I feel weird about. Truthfully, I was like that myself for a while. I wanted to hook up with women to prove something about myself, to “be” someone. But, as long as the bisexual community is focused on these experiences of not being “queer enough,” the more they really making it about ego and not love. If you look at the gay community and say, “I wish I was more a part of that,” I understand how you feel, but it’s also not the way forward.

If you are willing to be honest about your feelings with every type of person you meet, if you are willing to connect with all sorts of different people romantically and otherwise, you will begin to see all sorts of things about yourself and your loved ones, things you may never have expected. You don’t have to be dating someone of the same gender to get there, but you do have to get over yourself.

3 thoughts on “Bisexual and Dating Same Sex

  1. Yep, you sure do get a lesson about such things, don’t you? I know I learned not to listen to the bullshit about and against being bisexual – and, surprisingly, a lot of what I heard way back in the day is the same crap that is plaguing bisexuals today – and just pay attention to how my sexuality is going to impact my life.

    I’ve actually never dated a man… but I’ve been in a relationship with one and, yeah, it’s very different from being in a relationship with a woman… but in some ways, not really all that different. As bisexual man, I’ve been ‘pursued’ for threesomes because I’m bi, I’m Black, or all of the above – and it is what it is and for the reasons why it is – it’s just people being people.

    Yep, sometimes I’ve felt objectified but I would say that once you kinda understand how people behave and especially where sex and sexuality are concerned, there’s no way to avoid being objectified and that the only way this is a bad thing is if you allow it to be.

    I don’t think that it’s a matter of getting over yourself, although I understood what you’re saying. It is a matter of understanding yourself and especially when you do see all sorts of things about yourself and the people around you. You put it all into perspective, noting any societal angsts but not really buying into them because at the end of the day, it ‘s about you living your bisexual life the way you want to and not the way someone else expects, right?

    Great blog post – I’m glad I found it because if you think there’s a lot of unknown stuff about bi men, there’s even more unknown stuff about bi women and how they think/feel about being bi.

    • Oh no – I thought I responded to this ages ago! I haven’t been on my blog in a while.

      It’s interesting that people have been saying the same thing for years, but perhaps reassuring in a way. Like, it helps me feel connected to bisexual people of different generations.

      Your experience with hyper-sexualization is interesting. It’s something I usually seen as plaguing women, but yeah – I guess black men in our society receive a lot of hypersexualization also. Jezabel wrote a piece on the hypersexualization of D’Angelo ( http://jezebel.com/5913250/dangelo-learns-how-it-feels-to-be-objectified-and-it-doesnt-feel-good ) but in nowhere mentions the affect his race may have had on society’s sexualization of him. I should look into it more, perhaps.

      In the end, however – I suppose there’s so much stuff that really can only be combatted with wisdom, and self knowledge. It seems that you’ve found some of that, and found peace with yourself, which is always reassuring to hear. I’m still working on it 🙂

  2. Bisexual and bisexual dating are forming a storm online. I also fin my partner on top10bidatingsites,.com. After reading said reviews, it will not be that complicated to make a decision regarding this aspect of your life. The truth is that online dating is much more fun because you can talk to more people at the same time, without actually needing to commit to anyone. You can decide to meet with one or more of these online companions when you feel ready to make this step.

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